i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
