yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
