im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
