yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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