And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
