he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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