there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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