I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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