I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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