did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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