Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
