i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
