I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
