My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
