he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
