I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
