why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
