Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
i out mim tonsoeep
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
