it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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