how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I am available for nakedness
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