did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
