now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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