Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
