New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
