Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
