there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
