the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
