And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
