Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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