who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
