Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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