he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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