I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize