i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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