Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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