highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
