Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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