i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
