Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
