You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
