Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
