I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
