i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
