Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I don't deserve a penis
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
