did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
