My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
