hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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