please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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