We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Dear god my vagina.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
