i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
