Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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