my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
