I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
