FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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