i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
so let's talk penis.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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