She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
