This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
