My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
