I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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