Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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