I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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