i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
