took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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