You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
not ubering you a puppy
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
