the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
